I'm baaaaaaack!!

I think it's only right to start out with an apology...4 months without any updates is completely unacceptable but I promise if you had any idea of the madness going on (outside of the surrogacy) you'd forgive me! :) So, to pick up where I left off which is hard to believe was when I was SIX WEEKS! Phew...it has been a while! The pregnancy has luckily progressed without any complications. I'm just about to hit the 7 month mark and jump into the 3rd trimester, which again seems a little surreal. I swear it was just yesterday I was counting down the days until transfer, getting impatient because things seemed to be moving so slowly. Now only 3 months left and it all will be over?! Sorry..I'm having a moment...haha.
Anywho, it's a BOY! The due date has jumped around a bit after a few ultrasounds, plus who can really trust those things anyway? So I'm just going for mid January, but I wont start to freak out until February comes and I'm still pregnant. (Nooooo)...lol. Nothing unusual to speak of, everything seems to be going similarly as with my own babies. Slow weight gain to start. I had gained a total of 7 lbs at my last check up which was about 3 weeks ago, but I should just about triple that in the last trimester if I continue to follow trend. The parents needless to say are very excited about their little boy in the making :) A very active little boy he is too! I don't know how much I remember about this stage of pregnancy with my 2 kids, but I know that as of now, he moves so much that I only notice when he's not moving. His feet have already found a new resting place in my right rib cage which is very reminiscent of my daughter, and if the wives tales are true, then he must have a head full of hair because there isn't much I can eat without getting heartburn (also reminiscent of my daughter, who indeed had a head full of hair!)
I went to have 4D pictures taken to surprise the parents with but unfortunately all the babies I carry find the placenta to be super comfy so they bury their faces in them until about 8 months along when they don't have much choice in their position anymore. No trouble in finding out gender though, not with any of them! There will be no surprises on birth day! Which reminds me of a strange thought I keep having. As impressed as I  am with the miracle of life and pregnancy in general...I find it ultra amazing to think that there is a *clears throat* penis, being developed in my body. Ok, take a minute and laugh....but seriously... I don't have one, never will, but there is one growing inside of me. Is it just me that gets a kick out of that? Cause if it is, just blame it on the hormones. :P
So, I could end this entry promising never to spend that much time away, and to blog at least once a week, but one of the biggest things I've learned in the last few months is to NEVER say never. Life can change in an instant, and no matter how much of a control freak you are *raises hand*, it truly is beyond your control. I used to think that only those who had been in a situation could truly "judge" it, but now I know that those who have been there never would judge. So again, as pure as my intentions are right now to make regular updates, I'll only promise that I'll try my best :)

Sonograms and Stomach Aches

Today was the first ultrasound post transfer and we got to see the heart beat! We didn't hear much, but we're due back in 2 weeks for another so I'm sure it'll be more pronounced by then. I'm officially 6.5 weeks along which is strange to me because most people are barely even getting the news at this point and I feel like I've been pregnant forever already.
The nausea is getting worse :/ I've been eating nothing but crackers for the last 3 days and I managed to get some tacos in tonight so hopefully they stay there. Not much more as far as "updates" go. I'm still doing daily progesterone injections, estrogen injections every 3 days. Those will continue until next month.
I've been trying to figure out remedies for this morning sickness. I've heard ginger capsules are controversial but I thought about trying one of those motion sickness bands. With my first pregnancy it got so bad that they put me on medication. I'm hoping it doesn't go that route so in the mean time I'll be loading up on my saltines and ginger ale!

One down, 8 to go!

Well, I definitely was NOT crazy! I took a total of 6 home pregnancy tests last week and they all came back positive, but of course the icing on the cake was the results of the official blood test. They test your blood for levels of HCG just like the urine test does but more accurately. Any level over 100 is considered positive, super high levels are sometimes an indicator of multiples. Mine was 1,116. If they had transferred more than one embryo I'd be a nervous wreck about the prospect of it being twins but I'm pretty sure it's just one really strong baby!

The intended parents were through the roof excited when I gave them the news! I surprised them with a baby themed gift bag with the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book and a card that played Brahms Lullaby when you open it. I decided to go with the picture of the pregnancy test instead of grossing them out with my actual pee stick... I think it was a good call. Lol! They called me when they got it and I could literally hear the excitement in their voices! It's such a reassuring feeling to see how happy they are. After so long and so much "process" has taken place, I sometimes forget why I'm doing this, but moments like that remind me that this is their dream coming true! I got a surprise bouquet of Edible Arrangements (which I love!!) and a few more e-mails and calls expressing their gratitude and excitement :)

I have to go back in for repeat blood tests tomorrow and Friday to make sure the HCG levels are doubling the way they're supposed to and then I am released to my own Ob/Gyn...which by the way, I haven't yet picked out. I do have a few prospects in mind though, I wanted to decide which hospital I'd like to deliver at first and then obviously pick out a doctor who was associated with the hospital. I've decided on the Greater Baltimore Medical Center. I've heard fabulous things about it and I was able to take a virtual tour on the website. They have a women's atrium where they specialize in births and it reminded me so much of Sharp Mary Birch hospital in San Diego where I delivered my own babies that I thought it would give me a sense of comfort and familiarity :)

Hopefully, everything will continue on a positive and successful path! No morning sickness YET...a little nausea but the "fun stuff" waited until the 2nd trimester to happen with my daughter, and was barely there at all with my son, so we shall see! I've been really tired and drained lately and my pants are already uncomfortable... but otherwise, good to go!!

Am I crazy, or is that a line?

I decided to take my 1st pregnancy test on Saturday instead of Friday so as not to be disappointed with a negative too soon. In fact I woke up randomly at 6am (which let me tell you is RARE), went into the bathroom and, ya know, pee'd on a stick. I didn't see the "pregnant" line so my first thought was "oh well, it's probably too soon." So I went on with my day a little bummed out but not stressed. Later that night I spotted the test still on the bathroom counter so I picked it up to throw it away and gave it a last look. 5 minutes later I came bursting out of the bathroom with the test asking my husband "now am I crazy or is that a line?" Sure, you had to squint, tilt your head and hold the test at just the right angle but we both agreed it was definitely a very faint line.

I took another test this morning and the line is definitely there. I'm not supposed to tell my intended parents until the official blood test, so I've concluded it would probably be better not to talk to them at all. It's not that I can't keep a secret, I guess I just don't feel like this is one that should be kept. I had been planning to give them the news by presenting them with a "What to expect" book and a positive test (in a ziplock)...I might just take a picture of the test and slip it in the book :P So I guess thinking of their faces when they open it versus accidentally sending them an e-mail will help me to keep my mouth shut. Well...at least to them :)

Transfer Day!

The big day! Well, the first of many big days to come... I had my embryo transfer this morning! The intended parents were there and you could just see the excitement on all 3 of us! It was a pretty quick and easy process. They escorted us all into a sterile room, where an ultrasound tech showed us my uterus and very full bladder (they instructed me to drink 20oz of water just before the procedure). The doctor used a tiny catheter to insert the embryo directly into the fluffiest part of my uterus while we all watched....on the ultrasound screen. The embryo itself is microscopic so we couldn't actually see it, but we took what we could get. They inserted one embryo, which is great because neither the intended parents nor myself were gunning for twins. Sometimes, the doctor will elect to insert 2 if they are of poorer quality.

There wasn't much pain. A little discomfort and a little pressure, similar to the feeling of a pap smear...just extended. They gave us all pictures of the uterus and the embryo under a microscope which I think are gonna be killer in a baby album. "Look sweetie, here's a picture of you as a blastocyst." Lol! They instructed me to lay still for 5 minutes and then cleared me to drive home but ordered me to bed rest for the next 24 hours. So I'm laying here, eating pretzels, hoping that the embryo finds my womb comfortable for the next 9 months :) The official blood pregnancy confirmation test is May 25th, but there's no way I'm waiting that long. Tomorrow I'm going to get a giant pack of home pregnancy tests and start taking one...or two everyday from Friday until they give me my officials numbers. Hormone level numbers that is... I'll keep you all posted! Think "sticky" thoughts for me! :)

Day of Conception!

It's been a while (which is starting to become the norm)...so let's play some catch up. Since my last post, I've done a lupron cycle which stopped my ovulation and have now been taking estrogen shots faithfully every 3 days. Last night was the first of a million (or so it seems) progesterone injections. The rumors, sad to say, hold true :( I totally tried to psyche myself out before the shot and convince myself that everyone before me was a drama queen or that is was one of those reverse psychology tactics telling you that the last shot was the worst so that the first ones wouldn't seem so bad...sadly no. The needle was a piece of cake. The injection itself however was the problem. We're talking an entire ML of crisco veggie oil going into your butt muscle...the MUSCLE! Ugh...and this would be the shot that I have to have everyday for the next 3 months :/

Anyhow, moving on to more pleasant things... TODAY is officially the date of conception! Yay! My intended mother is as having eggs extracted from her ovaries...or are they in the uterus already? Either way...they're getting them out as we speak and fertilizing them. We're doing a fresh cycle (meaning they wont freeze the embryos before implanting them into me) so that technically makes me 2 weeks pregnant today! Strange I know...I've yet to figure out why medical professionals start your pregnancy on the last day of your period instead of when you're actually ovulating and conceiving but hey... that's the way it works. So,depending on how the embryos are growing, I will have my transfer on either Sunday or Tuesday. I've got my fingers crossed for Sunday :) How seriously awesome and magical would a Mother's Day transfer be?!

Being the OCD spaz that I am, I've already plugged the conception date into a pregnancy calculator and got a due date of on or around Jan. 27th. So I'm back on the fence about holiday travel plans :/ but needless to say I'm pretty excited about the upcoming week! Keep your fingers all crossed for me! If anything happened to go wrong and the embryo didn't attach properly I'm not sure how long we'd have to wait to start another cycle, and honestly, I'd rather not know.

The bright side...

Today is just one of those days. The day where you have to drag yourself out of bed because the kids are screaming but all you want to do is pull the covers over your head... once I finally did get up and get it together, I got the kids breakfast and checked my e-mail like normal and what do I find? My intended mother didn't pay attention to the schedule and continued her birth control after she was supposed to stop. So now, the whole process gets pushed back, only by a few days, but there go my hopes of a Mother's Day pregnancy announcement :/
However, following my practice of trying to find a bright side of things, I found another way of looking at it. I really wanted to get home for the holidays this year. This will be my third year away and besides missing my family during the season, I have a friend who is getting married and my mom is turning 50 so I wanted to do something special for her AND be there to celebrate. I wont be allowed to travel in my 9th month of pregnancy, not that I'd push it that far anyway. So I guess the further into the spring/summer the pregnancy begins... the further away from the holidays I can expect to deliver. I suppose a spring delivery is the closest I can get to a fall delivery at this point anyway so again... some light in a dreary situation :)
If everything goes as scheduled and planned, I will be 8 months during the holidays and set to deliver mid-February... right in the middle of "snowmageddon"... BUT (back to the bright side), I'll have a couple of months to get back down to size for bikini season :) AND a couple will have a beautiful baby to love, in the month that love is most celebrated. That is the ultimate "bright side" :)

Back in Action!!

I have to start by apologizing to my faithful few followers. I haven't abandoned you, and my hiatus has ended. Just to catch you up on the last month... I completed my mock cycle (yay)! I even attempted to let my husband give me an injection... after only sticking the needle half way in he tried to JAM it in further...ouch. Needless to say, I took over from there. He did let me stick a needle in his butt though, LOL, an empty one of course. Which was hilarious. It took about 15 minutes of coersion for him to finally stop flinching and lay still.

The estrogen injections were supposed to build my uterine lining to 7cm (minimum "fluff" required to support the attatchment of an embryo). I had an ultrasound on March 2nd to measure mine... it was 15.3 cm. I guess it's safe to say my body liked the estrogen! Following that appointment, I took 5 days worth of progesterone (in pill form) to release the lining and send my Aunt Flo back to town :/ I was actually super scared about having to shed 15cm of uterine lining (TMI disclaimer). I wonder how thick the lining for a normal period is? Anywho... it came. Only lasted 4 days with 1 day of spotting, which is my norm, but was heavier than usual. Not scary, am-i-hemorraging heavy, but... ya know. Heavy.

So, now I'm on birth control pills, which I'm not super excited about but... what is exciting is that I finally have an estimated date for transfer!! May 5th, give or take a few days in either direction. It's not quite mid-March like I had hoped, but it'll be here in no time! So I'll start my official round of meds in two weeks, which starts with a daily injection of Lupron (to stop my ovulation), follows with more estrogen injections, and finally ends with the dreaded progesterone oil injections :/ BUT... the most important task involved in the process will be (hopefully) met. A confirmed pregnancy!! I'm excited about the date because Mother's Day is the 9th of May and it would be AWESOME to be able to give the news to the intended mother that day! Officially my blood test wouldn't be until about a week after the transfer but, "cheating" is allowed on day 4. Basically take a home pregnancy test and see if you're able to get a positive result. How amazing would it be to wake up on Mother's Day morning and take a pregnancy test and get good news!?...and then to top it off, be able to give that good news a woman who is looking forward so much to being able to celebrate that day in the future! I'll keep hoping and dreaming, but one thing I do know is that regardless of which day the news is given, it's going to be an ecstatic day for all!! :)

Caution: Hormones on the loose!

Well aunt Flo did come to town...about an hour after my last post actually. So it's been a few days and with just a few estrogen injections done I'm getting the idea of what the rest of this "hormone therapy" is gonna be like. Hot flashes, mood swings, random outbursts of anger and/or excitement, and the shots themselves...well. The estrogen serum is pretty thick but nothing like the progesterone (that's for later). I attempted to have my husband do an injection last night, as I've been doing them thus far and wanted to alternate sides. I've been fine with the right side, but I'm not quite flexible enough to successfully inject my left buttocks. After about 10 minutes of  "okay, I'm ready..no wait, nevermind". I decided to just go ahead and do the shot myself...on the right side.

Next Tuesday I'm going in to have my ultrasound done to make sure that my uterus is responding to the hormones well and building up sufficient lining. If all goes well, they jumpstart my period with progesterone pills and then put me on birth control to synch my cycle up with the intended mothers. At the start of the process I was really hoping for an autumn delivery, but with all of the delays and holidays, etc. it's looking more like it's going to be a New Year baby. I'm not especially excited about being pregnant during the holidays, but it could turn out to be a pleasant experience. I'm always trying to look for the bright side to those not-so-much-what-I-had-planned situations but with 4-5 more months of hormone filled needles headed to my backside, it's starting to look a little cloudy :/ Probably just the hormones talking.

Up Next: Hi, My name is Hormones...I'll be taking over for Monica now :)

Bonus...A musical selection :)

This video was posted on a web board for surrogate mothers. I cried when I watched it of course... It's a beautiul expression of emotion and really makes me appreciate what is so often taken for granted in life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

Up to speed...

Now that I've layed the groundwork and provided some background on the process, I guess it's a good time for a current update. One of the first "official" medical appointments that I've had since signing the contract was a procedure called and HSG. Long story short...the doctor inserts "dye" into your cervix and it travels through your uterus and fallopian tubes as you all watch on an x-ray machine...eww. Interesting to see my own womb so up close and personal however. The procedure itself was a little uncomfortable, but no worse than a pap smear or other "womanly" exam. The point of the HSG is to make sure there are no tumors, cysts, bloackages, etc. Women in fertility treatment also undergo this procedure in hopes that they will find whatever problem is keeping them from conceiving. Gestational surrogates have it done as sort of an insurance policy. In order to be a surrogate you must have given birth to at least one child, so no one expects that there are going to be any problems...however, with such a fragile and expensive process you never can be too careful I guess. This test was done on day 12 of my last period. It's recommended days 5-10 but I like to push the limits. *wink wink* Once my fertility center got the "normal" results they shipped me the supplies for my next move... the "mock cycle"...dun dun dun.

The mock cycle is basically another insurance policy. On day 2 of my next period (which I am waiting patiently for) I will start injections of estrogen ( a hormone that naturally occurs in large quantities during pregnancy). This is all the fun stuff no one tells you about when you sign up. These injections are intramuscular and will need to be inserted into my upper buttocks. The nurse recommended having my husband administer them (I think not), and the needles are NOT small. On day 14 of the injections I will go in for an ultrasound where they will check the lining of my uterus to make sure it is responding well to the hormone. If all goes well, we will schedule dates for the actual embryo transfer where I will again not only be injecting estrogen, but progesterone (another hormone) and, a drug called lupron to stop my ovulation. Logically I can't believe I'm actually waiting for this process to start. No pain, no gain I suppose... so onward I journey into the land of the unknown and staying on the lookout for my aunt Flo to come to town!

Whose Baby is it Anyway?

Another very common question I get after I release the big news is some variation of..."won't you have a hard time giving up the baby?" The simple answer? No. Of course there is some natural emotional "voice" that says "hey, you've been pregnant for 9 months...where's baby?" but as a creature of logic I'm not especially worried about it being a problem....but just in case, there is a paragraph in my contract which allows 2 hours of "good-byes" for my emotional health. The more complex answerer involves many pieces, so I'll start here.

There are two tyoes of surrogates, traditional and gestational. Traditional means one basically undergos artificial insemination, waits to concieve, and go's half and half on the DNA of the baby they're carrying. This, for me would completely change the lackadaisical attitude I have about relinquishing baby. The most common and my type, gestational surrogacy, involves two outside parties, a sperm donor and an egg donor (in most cases these are the intended parents). The egg is fertilized, monitored in a petri dish (no more test tube babies), and then voila...inserted into my uterus. No waiting for conception, however you do have to wait to see if the embryo attatches to the uterine wall and successfully begins to grow there. If not, start from scratch. So you see, I don't feel at all as though I'm "giving up" any baby. It wasn't mine to begin with, wont be mine to end with. He or she will have none of my DNA, and will have no ties to me legally or physically once outside the womb.

Of course I am hoping to minimally be a part of the childs life and the intended parents that I'm working with do plan to tell the child about me, and how they got here, in due time. Another part of the contract mandates that they keep me updated with photographs, e-mails, phone calls, etc every so often which I really like because although I understand that the child does not belong to me...I am in a sense responsible for he or she being in the world and a part of me would like to know that they're alright.

"My friend got like $80,000 for doing that"...

Untrue. Unless of course your friend was carrying royalty.

The "money" questions are the most popular and actually the most offensive questions that I get. To propose that I'm "doing this for the money" not only makes me feel cheap and used...it completely devalues the entire gesture. The Movie "Baby Mama" although not a very accurate depiction of the surrogacy process does actually address this question very well for me. In one scene, the client (who is seeking a surrogate) asks if the women were doing it just for the money. The agency owner replies with something along the lines of  "I bet you do your job for the money, but that doesn't mean you don't enjoy it". Teachers want to change the world by guiding young minds, doctors want to help save lives and make people feel better, but very few of these professionals are volunteers.

Surrogacy is not something I just hopped into to make a quick buck. Yes, there is some compensation involved, but majority of women who have been pregnant and given birth will tell you that it isn't close to enough... and that once that labor pain strikes...they'd throw it all out of the window to have it just go away! It is an expensive process for the intended parents once you add up medical costs, legal fees, psychological screening, travel (especially of they are overseas), etc. When it comes right down to it, surrogate mothers actually only recieve about a quarter of the costs. Now there aren't any surrogacy laws to mandate who gets paid how much, in fact the "allowances" are gifts from the intended parents for the pain and suffering of carrying the child and although there are individual contracts involved, it is not an actual taxable income. So what's the payoff? I can honestly say that for the most part I didn't mind being pregnant, I would even stretch to say that I somewhat enjoyed it. It thrills me to know that I'm going to house and nurture someone else's baby and then on that sacred D-day, hand over to them the person that they had been yearning, praying, waiting, trying for, for so many years. As fulfilling as I know this experience will be for me, I cannot pretend that I would do it completely for free. A lot of the allowance goes to cover expense of maternity clothing, gas/food/mileage for doctors appointments, childcare for the surrogates own children, housekeeping for those "bedrest" times, prescriptions, ointments, belly bands, prenatal massages...okay, that last one isn't really a necessity but I'm a sucker for a good massage...especially when I'm achy and swollen from carrying an 8 lb baby where I normally have 1 lb of junk food....well...in the same vicinity.

In conclusion, yes, the money helps, and I don't know many people that don't need a little extra of it right now. But on the contrary, there are so many more factors that played into my decision to become a surrogate. It's not as simple as "get injected with and embryo, deliver baby, and get a fat check...cha ching!" In fact, there's much more involved than I ever knew starting out, and I'm just beginning to unearth it all! Sorry if I ruined anyone's get rich quick plans... you might be able to pay off a credit card or start a college fund for your child, but you will by no means "get rich"...

Up next: Whose baby is it anyway??

Why?

During my first pregnancy I met a girl at work who was carrying twins for an overseas couple. After getting over the initial "that's weird" thought that comes naturally after hearing something like that, I became somewhat intruiged with the prospect. Everyday I would gather as much information as I could during our half hour lunch break and I found that the more informed I became the less strange it seemed...my thoughts started to shift to "I could do that." After two fairly "easy" pregnancies and deliveries I started to consider surrogacy on a more serious level. One of the monumental moments I refer to in my final desicion to pursue this idea was following the delivery of my second child. After 2 hours of labor and 2 pushes, my attending nurse, familiar with my quick, non-eventful first birth story, commented on how much time and agony many women spend in labor (not to undermine my own pain and agony because although short lived, it was present!!) her exact words were "you were made for this". Though many would generalize this statement and go on to say that yes, all women were made to bear children, I took it as confirmation of something I had been toying with in my mind for the past two years.

With my own daughter and son, born just 11 months apart and already keeping me busy I wasn't sure I wanted to have anymore children (actually I begged the doctor to tie my tubes, thank goodness they don't honor those wishes in women experiencing extreme hormonal imbalances). Anyway, the idea of not having anymore children was fine with me, I had experienced the miracle of seeing my own child go from sonogram alien to a perfect newborn and then a monstrous toddler...however even at that moment of having just given birth, I knew that I would miss the experience of carrying a baby. Knowing that within me there was a life developing, feeling the movement, looking at ultrasounds in amazement at what was happening in a place that just months ago was a shallow emptiness. Something I was "born to do", something all women, according to the natural reproductive process should be able to do. The catch is, some can't. Some will miss out on the 9 (or 10) months of magic that is pregnancy, but they will still be able to reap the reward. There are about a million reasons why a couple may not be able to conceive or "birth" their own baby but those reasons don't subtract from their ability to be great parents and shouldn't keep them from experiencing the joys and umm...challenges that come with raising children.

Up next: Are you doing it for the money?

First things first...

In the first few posts of this blog I will try to provide some background on my journey and paint a picture of what has transpired "so far". I could also call it F.A.Q's because most of what I'll cover are things that I am asked nearly everytime I tell someone about my surrogacy plans. My journey began (officially) in July 2009 when I submitted an application to a surrogacy agency. It has been a lot of paperwork, medical, legal, psychological screening...appointments, meetings, faxing, more appointments, but I am finally at a place where I feel like I'm seeing some progress.

Up next: Why?